COUPLES THERAPY
Why Couples Therapy?
Couples counseling can be beneficial and effective at any stage of a relationship from premarital counseling to couples that have been married a lifetime.
It might be time to seek out couples counseling if:
You don’t have anything to talk about except the kids.
You are staying together for the children.
You don’t get along with your in laws.
You don’t respect each other’s point of view.
You know nothing about your partner’s day.
You love your partner but something is still missing.
Your communication patterns have become negative.
You are considering having an affair or one partner has had an affair.
You seem to be living as roommates.
You are unable to resolve your own differences.
You begin to act out on your negative feelings; being spiteful or vindictive.
You feel the only resolution is to separate.
You carry contempt for your spouse.
Your kids pretend there is no fighting when there is.
You are not attracted to your spouse.
Your parenting styles don’t match.
What to know about couples counseling?
Making the decision to go to couples counseling can be difficult. Seeking help is more effective than ignoring your problems or hoping they get better on their own. The earlier treatment is sought the better; most couples unfortunately suffer for years with unresolved issues before seeking out help. Sometimes taking the first step by admitting the relationship needs help is the hardest part. Most individuals find the experience to be insightful and empowering.
Sometimes during disagreements it can be difficult to not make a mountain out of a molehill. Couples counseling can help you think about the current situation and its underlying issues. It teaches you how to not grasp at straws and provide irrelevant information that can cause an even bigger fight. You will learn to be objective and not use guilt trips by bringing up past arguments or infractions within the relationship.
Simply agreeing in order to avoid an argument isn't healthy in most situations, agreeing to discuss a particular issue can help you solve issues within your relationship. Couples counseling will teach you how to be gentle with your words and body language and present a situation in such a way that your partner will not be offended. You will learn to assess your values, thoughts, beliefs, and other integral parts of yourself. Do they match up with your partner's, or do they vary? Learning to understand the argument from the other person's perspective will help you approach the argument with more empathy.
Couples will not see eye to eye on everything. Once you're able to accept that, you'll be able to move past previous arguments that have held both of you back for so long. Identifying trigger issues can help couples better compromise, which in turn makes them happier as individuals and as a couple.
Couples counseling is more about learning how to fight fairly, not necessarily eliminating the fights. Couples tend to have the same reoccurring or perpetual fights, that are not necessarily solvable. But by learning what your perpetual issues are and why, couples can identify where the discussion starts to fall apart, how to approach the subject differently and understand each other’s perspective.
Our approach to treatment:
We have chosen to follow The Gottman Method Couples Therapy, developed by John and Julia Gottman, based on its research background and high success rate. It is founded on observations and predictions that there is real science to that mysterious emotion of love. It is built on research showing that negativity makes a big impact on the brain, and that unless you take steps to counteract instances of negativity, couples will grow apart emotionally. It identifies and addresses the states of mind and behaviors shown to build intimacy and helps partners maintain a positive outlook towards each other that can sustain them in upsetting circumstances. Although individual perspectives and wishes are addressed, the majority of therapy is conducted with both partners together. The Gottman’s research has shown that 69% of couples’ conflicts are perpetual problems, in that they are not solvable and will continue to repeat in the couple’s relationship. Therefore, the Gottman Method focuses on building a strong foundation for the relationship and learning effective communication strategies.
The Gottman Method Couples Therapy describes nine components of healthy relationships, known as the Sound Relationship House theory (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman & Silver)
Build Love Maps-knowing your partner’s inner world, history, worries, stresses, joys, and hopes.
Share Fondness and Admiration- this is the antidote for contempt, focusing on the amount of affection and respect within a relationship.
Turn Towards Instead of Away- being aware of your own needs, acknowledging your partners attempts to connect and respond to them. It’s the small moments of everyday life that build relationships.
The Positive Perspective- having a positive approach to problem-solving and repair attempts.
Manage Conflict- rather than “resolve” conflict, because conflict in relationships is natural and has functional, positive aspects. There is a critical difference in managing perpetual problems and solving problems.
Make Life Dreams Come True- encourage each other to talk honestly about hopes, values, convictions and aspirations.
Create Shared Meaning- understand important visions, narratives, myths, and metaphors about your relationship.
Trust- create an understanding that my partner has my back and is there me.
Commitment- believing that your relationship with this person is a lifelong journey, for better or for worse.
What treatment will look like:
Couples Therapy will typically start with a joint session to complete initial paperwork and gain a basic understanding of issues and concerns. Then over the course of the next two sessions, the therapist will meet individually with each partner to develop a relationship and to learn more about them individually, their family history, and their perspective of what is going on in the relationship and what they want to gain from treatment. The therapist may ask the couple to take the Gottman Relationship Checkup online; this provides the therapist with data on the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship. In the fourth session, the therapist will meet again with the couple together to develop the treatment plan and discuss potential therapeutic intervention. In subsequent sessions the Gottman Method Therapy interventions are used to help couples solidify their relationships in three key areas: friendship, conflict management, and creation of shared meaning. Couples learn to replace negative conflict patterns with positive interactions and to repair past hurts. Interventions designed to increase closeness and intimacy are used to improve friendship, deepen emotional connection, and create changes which enhances the couples shared goals. The therapist will teach the couple the Gottman research driven key factors in building a healthy relationship.
It can be awkward to talk or argue about problems in front of you therapist, but this is key as the therapist can act as a mediator, making sure that each partner gets equal time to talk, feels heard and understand and the therapist can help the couple work thru negative communication patterns. Homework may be assigned by the therapist to help practice skills and techniques used during the session.
If your partner refuses to attend couples counseling, you can still attend. It's more challenging to mend a relationship in this way, but you can benefit by learning more about your reactions and behavior.
Couples counseling may only need a few sessions to help correct negative communication styles, while others may need it for several months depending on the specific issues. Sometimes, counseling helps couples discover that their differences truly are irreconcilable and that it's best to end the relationship. Treatment can then be helpful to focus on skills for ending the relationship on good terms.
Sometimes the therapist may recommend one or both partners seek additional individual therapy to help address personal issues such as mental illness, substance abuse, etc, that are interfering in the relationship. Your therapist can make help make recommendations for individual therapist and with your permission coordinate care.
Reference: Gottman, J & Sliver, N (1999) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Harmony Books
https://coupletraveltheworld.com/at-home-date-night-ideas/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-it-together/201712/couples-therapy-does-it-really-work